Its just a dream, just a dream...

I had a dream last night, of a beloved old friend of mine. Its funny, I no longer have a picture of my friend anymore, but I still remember each and every feature of my friend's face, I can remember exactly how my friend's voice was like, can remember all the things we used to do...

But sometimes, though you have memorized each and every feature of a person, does that ever really mean, that you knew that person at all?

To say I don't miss my old friend, would be the lie of the century. I could be having the funnest time at my prom, and then I see at the table right before the table where me and my friends sat, I see my friend, or at least someone who looks exactly like my friend.

At this moment, memories always float to my mind. Happy ones. Very rarely bad memories ever flow through my mind in that second I sit staring at the person who looks like my friend.

But as time passes, it gets better, but I never ever go through a day without thinking of my friend. I miss those conversations we used to have, and sometimes I think I would do anything to go back in time, before everything happen.

Sometimes I think losing a friend hurts much more than losing a lover.

But I am only human. Not to mention simply an Art student, and you definitely need to know all those physics stuff to even fathom the thought of creating a time machine.

Was it my fault?

Maybe. Maybe not.

But does it really matter?

Its funny, I never thought it'll ever end this way.

I thought each and every path of my life, going to university, settling down, I had always imagined my friend would be there, every step of the way.

But life is life.

I must stop moaning.

We all face challenges.

We all do stupid things.

We are only human.

Those who don't feel sorry for what they have done, have no hearts.

Others can be so sorry, can scream that they are sorry to the whole entire world, and if their apology is not accepted, then must thus move on, because there is absolutely nothing, nothing, else they can do.

They must stand on the sidelines, face the fact that they will soon be forgotten, though its hard for them to forget their friends who they have done wrong to, the memories will always though, remain priceless. I could win a billion dollar lottery, and it still wouldn't be enough. You can never put a price tag on friendship.

So take note, cherish your friendships...

While it lasts...

Because you may never be able to revive it to how it used to be, trust me.

Are You Making the Most of Your Life?

These days, since college life has ended for me, and I just have these few months to do whatever I please before my university starts which really I guess depends on my results, I could either go to a private university which is an extremely commendable university despite not having high rankings like other public universities and complete the law course within two years, or I could go to a normal public university like University of Adelaide or Muldoch in Perth and completely in four years, but all I have been doing is reading novels.

I have this goal to read a novel of on average is 300 to 400 words a day, yes complete it in a day, why do I have this goal? Why don't I be like any other teenagers and do what other 18 years do like go clubbing, be a lazy pig(technically reading novels is lazy piggish) watching tv and pigging out, and other stuff. Well firstly, to the surprise of my friends and other people who don't know me that well, I have never gone clubbing before. I don't think a necessarily bad thing, I just prefer not to. The vision of seriously loud music, dancing the night away, people smoking, taking drugs and others are not really that appealing to me. It must be fun though to let loose I guess, and I know lots of my friends who have a good head on their shoulders, and won't go so far to try drugs, but I guess I'll rather go to a late movie with my best friend or boyfriend then do that.

However I do have this promise with my best friend that we'll try clubbing one day, just to see how its like.

Have I ever gone to late movie? Never, sadly. Sometimes coming back at 10 pm causes my mum to have a freak out moment. Even though I tell her precisely where I am, who I am with, exactly what I'm doing, she acts as if I'm taking the next flight to Paris and eloping with my boyfriend. I'm totally serious. Especially since that issue of teenagers taking drugs and mainly taking drugs while clubbing at the wee hours of the morning has been coming out in the papers, more mum freak out moments. I'll admit even though I can get a bit annoyed about all this, even since my mum had met my boyfriend and he's not likely to cause harm to me, I do have to thank her for being the overbearing and overprotective mum. And that just makes me love her more. She has taught me from right and wrong. And though I may not be the most innocent, goody two shoes girl, I do have boundaries. It is because of my mum that I have never smoked (also because it is an enormously disgusting habit and people who think smoking makes them look more cool and more attractive are highly delusional), and other reasons. Never let the sight of people drinking beer make me want to drink it, because of my mum. And the stuff I can't eat, I don't eat it, why? Mummy dearest. Its not so much that my mum has such a strong hold on me, its just I love her so much, and whenever I might want to succumb to the enormous peer pressure, I stop and don't do it, because I guess when my mum carried me on her womb for eight months, she wanted to bring into the world as a good girl, I don't want to ruin that for her. Though I may not be as good as she wants me too, hey, I am still that teenager who wants to have fun, on her terms, though.

I think of my mum, and my daughter too.

If my daughter of mine ever smokes, I swear to God, she's getting the spanking of the century, maybe not that bad, but she will be severely punished.

One last thing before I move on, smokers should be more considerate to non-smokers and don't smoke in front of them, there are smokers' room in public places, they should go and head in there, I may not be all that great at science, but I do know that non-smokers such as myself can get secondary lung cancer, because of smokers smoking around us. And non-smokers had died. So please, smoke all you want, but not in front of non-smokers.

So that goal of reading a novel a day. Not totally working out. Because duh despite my dullness, I still do go out, and watch dvds, talk on the phone for hours at a time, so that comes in the way. But so far so good. 15 novels or so to go.

Besides that, holidays are somewhat filled with me FINALLY, FINALLY going through the path of getting my license. I now have an L license which isn't a biggie, but its a start I turned 18 on May, so getting it now is like what I have been waiting for. I am a horrible driver. I hate manual. Like seriously why do they make us learn how to drive manual cars, when mostly everyone drives automatic after getting their license? I almost, just almost hit a lorry, but I didn't, I thank God, under the passenger seat, there's an emergency brake in case wonky students like me are in the verge of causing an accident, so the instructer can use that brake in the nick of time.

I just want to get that license in my hand, smell it, touch it and just get the whole damn thing over with.

So yeah, despite the driving lessons, the going out, reading novels madness, I have been thinking about the meaning of life.

So yeah there's all this fuss now about the world ending in year 2012, which is in 3 years time. The fuss got so bad, the movie of it even came out, which was a great movie, however the part where you had to pay a billion euros to just survive was so totally disgusting, and just showed the inequality of income between the rich and fall and how the rich gets everything which is one of the main pitfalls of economics and so called capitalism, however I will not get into that, that would make a very boring post. I been asking everyone do they think the world's going to end in that year. Of course everyone thought that was bullshit.

Its not that I believe it. I guess I wouldn't be surprised if the world ended. All that war going on, all that harm to environment, all the political instabilities, social failures....

Well I don't know. All I know is that I'm way too young to die. I haven't even fully lived my life yet. I was talking to my uncle today, and he's like, "Kiddo, the more than a million male men who died in the World War were only 17 years old, don't worry, you got a year ahead of them".

It really makes you think though,

Are you making the most of your life?

Are you working towards your main goals in life?

Are you being an overall good person?

Are you contributing anything to this world?

Have you made any true friends?

Are you fighting all the right fights?

Etcetera etcetera.

Have I made the most of my life?

When I think about the situation, for example, if the world ended tomorrow, what would I do, the first thing that comes to my mind is to forgive the people who had done me wrong, ask for forgiveness to the people I have done wrong, forgiveness will finally set me free.

But forgiveness, what is that.

According to google,

Forgiving - inclined or able to forgive and show mercy; "a kindly forgiving nature"; "a forgiving embrace to the naughty child"

Forgiveness to me is easier said than done. I find loving someone with all my heart whether a friend or guy comes easier to me.

I'm a girl who can hold a mighty grudge. Illustration of this.

A guy ruined my reputation back in my high school days, I still, after years later, STILL hold a grudge against him. Its not that I hate him, and I no longer want to strangle him or anything, its just my heart has closed off when it comes to matters to do anything with him. When I do see him occasionally, the hug feels forced, the "I miss you's" sound fake, and I just want to ran away from after a second of greeting him. He lost my friendship and all the love and care I used to have for him, and that fondness as well, when he ruined my high school life. I still hold that grudge. I don't think it'll ever go away until I do something about it.

But how? I deleted his number. I don't even want to make an effort to call someone up to get his number.

So there you have it. My weakness is in forgiving.

In that aspect, I feel as if I haven't made the most of my life.

I sometimes wish I was that kind of girl who's like a sweetie pie, who doesn't bitch about people, talk back to my parents, and no one is my enemy.

Congratulations to anyone who has been able to that.

The thing is human nature doesn't allow us to be that kind of person.

We bitch to our best friends about the bitches in our life, we talk back to our parents because we feel they have defied us or that they just don't "get" it or understand us, and we have enemies, because well some people can just be pure evil and share I say it, fucking losers..

A while ago, I heard a Michael Jackson song, God bless his soul, on the radio, its called "Man in the Mirror".

The lyrics go something like this.

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change

An emphasis on the bold words. Its like wow, it was a revelation to me. This man was saying how if we really wanted to change the world make it a better place, in order for us to that, we had to changed ourselves to be better people.

The thing is besides the forgiving part, I do think I have made the most of my life. I have a handful of good friends who I know I can always count on, have ended my search for the perfect boyfriend (hopefully, hands crossed), am getting an education, and am always striving to become more knowledgeable, hence the novel craze. Am getting a job at a research company next year before I head of to uni, going to work as an intern for experience and to get that edge, so thats a check on my list of "Not making a total ass of myself and doing something useful of the holidays".

I guess my life is complete.

Never perfect.

Who the hell has a perfect life anyway?

I have to thank Michael though, he definitely gave me a different more brighter perspective.

My God, I think my blogging mojo is back.

Okay, back to reading "Her Fearful Symmetry" by the author who wrote "The Time Traveller's Wife".

p.s. ~ Good news, I have gotten my boyfriend to read books now, hey, its a perfectly legal, good, and healthy habit. Everyone should read more, it is totally, totally under rated.

Men

Men, they come in all shapes and sizes,
all colours, and all sorts of different personalities,
Some with a body you'll like to hold,
but of which, you'll rather admire from afar,
Because you prefer to have one a bit more,
How do you say it, ordinary,
Someone you can have all to yourself,
A guy you don't have to fan off other girls to get to,
Because well, if you were to admit it,
You can be enormously obsessive,
And jealousy can fill you to the core,
However, he of course had to be good looking,
How else can you look him in the eye,
As well as his lips, every time,
You tell him you love him?

But with all the four million or more,
You were never good with numbers, men,
Only a handful in this world are the good guys,
And you can swim in oceans and oceans in them,
And never find the one,
You can go through a dozen lifetimes,
But eventually,
Your hopes will be dashed,
and you either find him in a bed,
with another women, or another men,
Though the latter is much worst,
Because it can only indicate that you,
were so bad in bed, that your man,
now, has the hots for men,
Though when he leaves you,
for a women half your age,
That could probably be heart wrenching as well,
The relationship fails all the same,
And you have to start over.

Starting over, can be an exciting game for some,
You go out, try to catch some bait,
Chat him up, make a bit of eye contact,
lean a bit closer to him,
And maybe just maybe,
Or if he's as desperate as you to find someone,
You guys become the new "it" thing,
But every time or if,
"If" you think, even though you desperately want it to last,
It don't work out,
You're back to square one,
Its a vicious cycle, the cycle of dating,
It gets tiring, what the hell is it going to take,
you think, to find the one.

You could after all, have been,
that little girl who's parent's marriage didn't work out,
So trusting men doesn't come easy,
You may have knew a man,
so handsome, so dashing, so charming,
being successful, in stopping traffic,
You know then that,
in all honesty, money doesn't bring one happiness,
It can tear a family apart,
By a man who got too gready and simply decided,
That was what on the plate currently,
Wasn't enough for him,
One second he is the awfully dashing Dr Jekyll,
But once you turn your back,
he is the awfully ugly,
Inside and outside despicable man,
One who you no longer respect,
But deep down, you know you cannot help,
But love anyway, no matter the misfortunes he brings.

But then you meet him,
After a dozen of miserable frogs,
You meet him,
And miraculously, he is not someone new,
But one you have met years before,
But there never was a suitable time to get together,
Because you were either unavailable for male pursuit,
Or he not yet ready for the love of a real woman,
But now just when you wanted to give up on the idea of love,
He walks into your life again,
And does he have the lamest pick up line ever,
Sending you a text, saying,
"Hey, I seem to have your number in my phone,
But I don't know who you are?"
After a few dates, you realize,
that hey, wait a minute,
Your heart is capable to love again,
The most amazing thing about love is,
All those remaining feelings for those stupid jerks?
They all fade away when you find the right guy,
The one you have been waiting for,
He may not be the type you usually go for,
He may not be able to take you out,
to expensive dinners, or get you that new Chanel handbag,
But you don't care,
He proves his love only a middle class guy can,
Through his actions, by making all the effort for you,
Just to make you happy he finds, is his life's purpose,
To end this poem,
To all the women who are happy with their beau,
Congratulations, to all those heart broken,
Don't ever give up, because he's out there somewhere,
You just have to give him a chance,
Believe me, its happened to me.

Happy Nine Months Baby.

Time passes so fast, eh?

After the last and last final exam last Tuesday, or was it two Tuesday ago, oh god, I don't really care, its all over. So after that, I started the week on a fun start. We had prom the next night, and it was all good, though it could have been better, my Prince Charming couldn't come because "no outside people" were allowed, but he came anyway to see me for just a few minutes at least, and that made my night complete.

Took pictures, my blogging mojo is gone, and there really isn't much to say about prom.


Had a sleepover with my best mate Harmin sleeping over, and had party at my place the next day. I'm glad everyone had a good time, by 12 a.m. I was mega exhausted then had sleepover AGAIN where two of my friends slept over.

Fun fun fun.

I'm going to miss my classmates.

So much. But I know in my heart that each and every one of them is going to be successful, in whatever they decide to do.

We must, must have a reunion!!! L1 class of 2009 was the best class ever!!!

Ruzz

Is it love?

Is it love when your mouth suddenly gets dry,
every time you see him?
Is it love when the first thing you want to do,
Is put your arms around him so tight,
That he can't get away so easily,
Is it love that everything around you,
always seems to remind you of him?
Is it love that you could be out and about,
and you see a few guys who look exactly,
like the one you dearly love?
Is it just your imagination,
or have you memorized each and every feature,
and imperfection of him, that every guy looks like him?
Is it love, that makes you so obsessive over the one you love?
Is it love that makes you suddenly know,
why you were brought onto Earth for?

I don't regret a single second of college, at all...

Wow, I haven't blogged in awhile. Technically I shouldn't be blogging as my accounts paper is next week. But what the heck, I have been relaxing my butt off reading a Nicholas Sparks book, I think my brain needed the rest. I just have to work my butt off, because after the devastating hardness of the maths (you could have done all the past year papers and it still wouldn't had prepared you for it), I definitely have to Ace that accounts paper. Accounts logics and calculations tends to be absorbed by my brain quicker as well.

But just when I started getting a little bit fond of doing maths, for the first time all year, I guess I am happy I no longer have to do it ever in my life. Of course I can go hours at a time studying and revising for maths, but the longest for law, 20 minutes top or else I'll just be sleeping on top of my desk. One time I got so tired studying my legal studies, that the chewing gum from my mouth actually went out of my mouth and yes, it took a metal ruler to remove out the memory. And until today, there are some bits of stickiness.

But anyway, I say this all the time, but college has been a blast. I could have done my pre-U, year 12 in my old school, but you know what, I'm glad I didn't. Granted, the reason I wanted to leave was because I wanted to feel independent, the college life. I thought in my heart that if I were to have lunch with the kindergarten kids during lunch breaks, I would never have felt the college life I desperately wanted to feel. Plus I didn't have to wear school uniforms anymore.

College life here I come.

This was how I felt about a year ago.

Convincing my mum to send me to the Subang campus is another story. Its hard for me to say, I remember going to the Hartamas campus, and really disliking it. I didn't hate it, I just disliked it. True the Taylors' Hartamas Campus was just 15 minutes away from my home and tha Taylors Subang was 40 minutes on a good day with not much traffic, but I wanted to go to Subang. I remember literally begging my mum and she gave in, finally, and I had the college life I wanted.

She never understood why, but she later understood that I was old school in that sense, the college for me actually had to feel like a college, not one with escalators and well so totally technologically advanced. Technology is good, but the Taylors Subang had enough technology thank you so much.

But to those of you who went to the Taylors Hartamas, thats cool too, everyone has different preferences, this is just my preference.

Also I met lots of good and cool people in college. One of my good friends is a great girl I thought I'll never really get along with, her name is Harmin, its certainly been so fun hanging out with her, and sitting with her at Asia Cafe talking about boyfriends, college and everything else under the sun.

This year, 2009 was a really great year. It went better than I ever expected. I got even closer to my best friend Sarah Jaafar who just went to the UK to pursue a law degree, and made some new friends as well. Yes, Lee Zheng Yi, I love you too. :)

My classmates are one of the most wonderful bunch I have ever met. The thing is I never really felt at home with my classmates before. This is due to a few things.

In primary and secondary schools, I had so low self-esteem and low confidence, that it was inevitable I wouldn't be having a great time. Because how was I going to get friends who loved me when I didn't love myself?

Another because I followed my mum's advice in my later high school years.

She told me to not really expose myself for who I was for the first two or three months, so I was very quiet and shy and I was suppose to *suss* people for their true personalities. Granted this backfired. Because you should always be yourself. And I just happened to be those people who liked talking, saying whats on my mind, making jokes and laughing with people. You should never hide yourself. And also, by the time my true self came out, some people were like where did the old Ruzanna go? It was funny because I was just showing who I was to the world for the very first time. I guess the best thing I should have done was be myself since day one, but I didn't, I learned this the hard way.

So this year for college, I was adamant to disregard my mum's advice, though I do love her a lot. Let me just tell you, the downside of being yourself from the very beginning is that some people won't like it, and the bitches you met in high school? Sorry to break your sweet little heart, but you meet even meaner bitches in college. But this helps suss out your real friends real quick, by being yourself I mean. I cried as much as I cried this year. It was one of the toughest years ever, but it was also extremely wonderful.

The last day of college, before exams started, was beautiful and happy and a little heart-wrenching as well. It was hard to say good bye. I love each and every classmate of mine. They were all very different and unique.

I remember on the first week of school, firstly I thought my economics teacher was scary and so strict and scolds alot, and would make me not love economics anymore. But if anything, now she's one of my favourite teachers ever, and since I didn't even see her the last day in college, thank god I saw her later when I went back to college for consultation. I hugged her, told her she's such a great teacher, and that she's so nice and everything, she was shocked, but she hugged me back. My friend Zheng Yi didn't even know what to say.

I thought I wouldn't get along with some people in my class the first time. But thats the thing about first impressions. Its bad, its bad, its bad. The people I thought I'll never get along with, I got along with them really, really well.

But anyway, I'll stop talking, I'm gonna miss my classmates lots and lots. :(

Me, Jill, Kelly, and Joanne

These are some great gals here :)
Jillian is not only good to gossip to,
she's mightly intelligent and
she'll say what she wants, I do really love her blog :)
Kelly was really great being a prosecutor in
moot court,
and Joanne, I admire her for her great fashion sense
and being one of the few people who really
doesn't care what other people thinks. You keep strutting your stuff girl :)

Ern Lyn, Zheng Yi, me and Wei Fen.

Ern Lyn has always been really nice to me,
and I have always known she's got a really kind heart,
and Zheng Yi, I love her so much she's definitely
one friend I can come on.
Wei Fen, she's always been nice to me too,
and she's very helpful every time I ask her college related
questions, I like helpful people :)


Girls of L1, why am I in the corner hugging a girl? Hmmm...
lol, I guess you will never know...

Me, Jill, and Ern Lyn

Mrs Lim, the maths teacher who never hesitated
to stay back after class and give consultation
and try to teach me maths. She's been
extremely patient, she is one great woman :)
Mr. David, my legal studies teacher. Even though
its been his first year teaching, he has been
an extremely dedicated teacher, and for that,
I'll always respect him.


Shireen, one of the most fun loving gals in class.
She is hot, but she's different because
she's so nice and funny, and she's
got one hell of a great personality. :)
Ju Ee and me. I'm glad that I had the honour of
meeting a girl like Ju Ee, whenever I need advice
I go to her, and she gives me some great advice,
and makes me feel stronger. I was so surprised to
see how incredibly open minded she is, she is
a great person to talk to, most definitely.

Michelle and me. It was such a pleasure knowing
Michelle, one great gal I can gossip with.
Helpful, she is definitely destined for very great things :)


Me and Zheng Yi, my love. One of the reasons I think,
why I enjoyed college so much, was because
I got to spend it with Zheng Yi, who was
from my old school. I remember being so incredibly
happy that she was in the same class as me!
We was there with me through the ups and downs,
and I trust her, I only wish she gets all the love
and happy things she definitely deserves :)
Me and Andrew. This guy is really such
a gentlemen, I can't even express my gratitude and
appreciation for him, because he never ever
hesitated to even teach me maths.
This guy is gonna a great life, and be
extremely successful, I just know it in my bones.
Ms. Julianne, the best ESL teacher ever!!!! She's so cool,
and she let us watch Russell Peters in class!
She has worked hard to be a good teacher and it
definitely paid off. She is not just a great teacher,
she is also a role model. I admire as well as respect her.
When I'm successful in my career I hope to see her again,
and tell her, how I'm so thankful that I got to be her student :)


Me and Jia Wei. This guy is really funny and pretty nice too,
it was certainly nice to have the pleasure to know him.
Horng Chern and me. This guy can sing, play the guitar,
so he's definitely talented. He's mighty nice too,
he's a decent guy :)Me, Hon Mee, and Harmin.
I love Hon Mee cos she's so funny,
and extremely fun loving. She's cool :)

I didn't really manage to take a picture of me and Harmin that day, so here's an old favourite picture of me and Harmin.

This is definitely quite emotional talking about me and Harmin.
She was there for me through all the heart aches, and though
I have never told her, I do pretty much consider her
one of my really close friends, my best friend even.
I love her too death, she understands and gets me.
She's a good listener, she's seen my tears, knows my laugh,
and knows me in and out. She's one of a kind,
I plan on being great friends with her for a long time, I
love you girl :)

L1 of 2009, its been one hell of a
rollercoaster ride!

And of course not only was I extremely fortunate to meet such great class mates, but there is also the incredible boyfriend. I was talking to my best friend just an hour ago, and she was asking me how was me and my guy doing, and I was like amazing. And she's like, "How long have you guys been together?" I replied, "Nine months". She was shocked, because she's known me well, I have never been able to be with a guy more than two months maybe. But thats because my boyfriend's different. He's been my rock, even though college like was stressful, it seemed like for a lot of my friends, college seemed to be the year where your love life has a new beginning.

So those of you starting college next year. Even if you don't meet a guy, thats okay, I'm a firm believer that you don't need a guy to be happy, but college life is when you have so much independence and a little bit more of freedom, and also, it can be when you meet the guy of your dreams :)

Thats about it, till next time.
Ruzzie.